3 Reasons Not Every Relationship Is Worth Saving

The overwhelming focus of mainstream relationship advice is on saving the marriage or relationship. This overemphasis suggests that every relationship is worth rescuing. Not every one is. Many are not. Here are a three reasons or situations why a relationship should come to an, albeit difficult, end.

Partner Abuse

Some people would say that this reason is a no-brainer. But really it is not, and that’s because domestic abuse is a slippery slope. If someone treated us poorly on a first date, we likely wouldn’t see them again. Abuse is like boiling a frog - it happens slowly over time. Many of us don’t realize until we escape from the relationship that we were experiencing psychological, emotional, sexual and/or financial abuse.

Physical abuse often leaves marks and those are easier to see and verify. The other forms of abuse such as emotional, sexual or financial abuse are harder to perceive, painful to acknowledge, and more challenging to act upon. Yet they are just as damaging and sometimes more so. They can result in PTSD, financial ruin, difficulty holding a job, crushed self-esteem and our children learning that engaging in or receiving abuse is okay or just the way that relationships are.

You Limit Your True Self

You have to make yourself smaller, less ambitious, or perhaps less attractive. You shrink your voice. You are quiet about or downplay your wins or achievements. You try to build up your partner so that you can bring your full self to the table but over time you learn that building them up doesn’t make any more room for the real you.

Do you find it hard to take a full chested, diaphragm expanding breath when you’re with your partner? Or even when you’re not in their presence? When you’re apart for several days at a time, how is your breathing? Do you feel more anxious or less anxious? Notice what your body is telling you. It’s purpose is there to keep you safe and well.

Your Needs Don’t Matter

Nothing changes despite your best efforts - requests go ignored. Or worse, they are met with defensiveness and counter accusations. You feel like you have to launch World War III to get even the tiniest need met and even then it’s agreed to by a pissy and resentful partner. In the end, you wonder if the effort was worth it…and decide it probably wasn’t.

The only needs that are worth mentioning are theirs. Not yours. Not your children’s. You might get your needs met here and there, but only when it doesn’t compete with your partner’s needs or wants. If your needs threaten them, forget about it. For some, your needs are simply a threat to their sense of power and control in the relationship. If you get some of what you want, then their power and control may be undermined. They simply cannot have that.

Your Power

Each and all of these come down to having little to no power in your relationship. Power to get your needs met. Power to be your true and authentic self. Power to be the badass that you are. Power to live in freedom and with peace. Power to live with a partner or relationship that doesn’t negatively impact both your mental and physical health.

Maybe your partner is a Power Person. Or highly narcissistic. Or insecure to such depths that it’s hard to comprehend, and definitely challenging to live with in a peaceful manner. If so, these are not your fault or your responsibility. It’s not your job to manage these feelings or behaviors for your partner. Your partner’s feelings and behaviors are solely their responsibility. They may refuse accountability for their actions. That doesn’t mean the responsibility falls to you.

Here are three hard, unpleasant and daunting truths:

1. If you put up with or accept abuse, it will not only continue, but it will escalate. Ignoring it or brushing it away will not change things. It will signal that you will tolerate such treatment. Domestic abuse in all its forms destroys our self-image and self-esteem. It undermines our trust in ourselves, our knowledge and our abilities. It keeps us captive to someone who has not earned and does not deserve our time, attention, energy and love. As Maya Angelou noted, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

2. The more you limit and shrink yourself, the more you will do so over time. This is because if you start letting your full, real, smart, sexy and confident self shine through, your partner is going to be alarmed and then furious beyond your scariest nightmares. Once you begin walking on eggshells in the relationship, the more that will be expected and then outright demanded. Woe to you who even considers threatening the status quo.

3. Everyone deserves a shot at having their needs fulfilled. Can or should every need be met by a romantic partner? Definitely not. Sometimes friends, family or coworkers can help us meet our needs - for support, companionship, advice, adventures, growth and comfort. However, your partner should be one who meets some of your needs; otherwise, what’s the point in being with this person? Do they add something to your life? Or do they take away more than they add? Do they help you become a better, happier and healthier person? Those who care about and attend to our needs do the latter. They energize us rather than deplete us or tear us down. They fill us with hope instead of leaving us hopeless. They encourage us to take on the world rather than telling us we’re stupid or crazy. You deserve people who care about and aim to meet your needs, and who help you become a better version of your true self.

The bottom line is that the solutions to the above problems in a relationship are hard to come by. Some would argue that it is impossible. One partner trying to address the issue or make things better does not work, damn it. You can only change you and your choices. Honoring your safety, authenticity and needs is not selfish. It is the adult and responsible thing to do. You deserve to thrive and not just survive.

I see you,

Merideth