5 Ripple Effects of Ending an Unhappy Relationship

When we think about ending a long-term romantic relationship, our brains tend to gravitate to the negative aspects like stress, anxiety, uncertainty and perhaps guilt or shame. What we fail to give as much thought and power to is how ending a dysfunctional or unhappy relationship may benefit us and those in our inner circle after the initial and likely tumultuous transition. Let’s dive into the research.

Developing or Regaining a Sense of Self

For many who navigate their way through the process of ending a relationship, they discover the opportunity to reconnect with their true selves. For instance, research indicates that women may lose their sense of identity or self through taking on the identity of wife and/or mother. As women in particular as socialized to put others’ needs before their own, they may experience a slippery slope to losing their own sense of self and attending to their own needs and desires. In ending a long-term relationship, we have the opportunity to ask ourselves, “What kind of life do I want to live in the years that I have left?” or “How have my recent years served me or not served me and what of that do I want to change going forward?” We get to live a life that’s more true to who we are and who/where/how we want to be. Often we find we have more space to live with greater authenticity than we did when operating within a relationship, especially one where we felt a partner had more power and control, or where our needs and wishes mattered very little or even not at all. Living and leaning into our own sense of self and identity is stunningly empowering and freeing.

Your Resources Expand

Living in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship is profoundly resource consuming. It takes up space in our brain even when we’re not with a partner. It sucks up our emotional, mental and physical resources and in a manner that offers limited benefit to anyone and possibly even creates a substantial cost to us and those around us. When we choose to extricate or save ourselves from such a relationship, the result is we often have this hidden expanse or reserve of time, energy and attention to invest in ourselves, in other people and new endeavors. We feel more equipped to be attentive to and mindful of what our children need, how we can serve our friends, and being more present for family members. The headspace and emotional resources that suddenly are available for use elsewhere often shocks us.

Greater Life Satisfaction and Fulfilment

If you’ve been in an unhappy relationship for a while, you may wonder what life would be like without that person in your day-to-day life. You may think you’ll miss them, because sometimes they are okay and not a jackass. Here’s the lowdown: divorced women who had a lower quality marriage (e.g., fewer positive interactions with a spouse versus more negative interactions with a spouse) tend to have the greatest life satisfaction post-divorce compared to all other groups: 1) divorced men, 2) continually married men, and 3) continually married women. Wow!

Your Career Soars

Some newly divorced or in the process of divorcing individuals find that ending the relationship is actually helpful to them at work. While the transition can be distracting and suck up a lot of your resources, this study noted that some in and after the divorce transition found it easier to spend more time, energy and focus on their work life, as well as feeling a renewed sense of motivation at work. Similarly, while resources such as time, energy and attention are used during the divorce process, those who finish the process experience better attention at work and have more effort to give at work.

Your Health Improves

Perhaps the most surprising (and then not surprising) result of ending an unhealthy, unhappy or dysfunctional relationship, is the long-term impact that doing so can have on our health. This 2018 study out of the Ohio State University College of Medicine found that troubled relationships increase the likelihood of depression and other mood disorders, which may then lead to immune system dysregulation (e.g., autoimmune disorders), inflammation and overall poorer health. Further, the stressful interactions that generally come with unhappy relationship often result in poor sleep quality, insomnia and also increase the risk of obesity.

Women are more likely to experience these effects compared to men. In other words, unhappy or unhealthy relationships undermine the health and functioning of numerous bodily systems. Getting out of such a relationship over time can help improve our mental and physical well-being for years to come. That often translates into fewer resources spent on healthcare, which then means more financial resources to spend on education, vacations, hobbies, and retirement savings, which then further improves mental and physical health. A positive spiral may ensue and one that’s beyond our wildest dreams.

Ending a long-term relationship can be scary as hell. It probably should be and not be done lightly. However, if we keep coming back to that possibility or decision, we need to connect with the 100% real possibility that our lives, health, career, and relationships will improve in ways and to an extent that we never thought possible. A better life likely awaits us. We each deserve to thrive, not just survive.

I see you.

Merideth