Hell, Yes!

A prior post, Permission, emphasized the importance of not conceding to others -- even others who are close to us -- the right that we have to make our own decisions about the kind of life that we want to live. This might suggest that if we are ready to own the decision and decide for ourselves, that the answer, solution, or decision is very clear to us.  But what about the times when we clearly have all the decision making power in our hands but still aren’t certain which decision is right for us, right now?

Two questions can help move us down the path from paralysis or being stuck in indecision and ambivalence to knowing what we want to do or where we want to go, and then determining our strategy for getting there. 

Question 1

Is it a “Hell, yes!”?  If it’s not a “Hell, yes!” then it’s a “No.” This question is especially critical to enacting big changes in our lives. A new job. Going back to college. Moving to a new city. Leaving a job. Ending a relationship. Having or adopting a child. Starting our own business. Switching careers. Getting married. 

All of these examples can be challenging in their own way and necessarily involve a significant amount of our time, effort, and attention. Often they require time, effort and attention for a sustained amount of time like several months if we move to a new city or start a new job, to years if we launch a new business or bring a new child into our family. To successfully enact these decisions, our answer to “Is it a ‘Hell, yes!’?’” must be “Hell, yes!” We must be clear with ourselves about how much motivation or passion we have to make the challenge before us, even an exciting and positive one, into something amazing. Life is too short to take on projects or changes that don’t give us energy and hope for a better life going forward.

However, we may not always be ready, equipped, or in a position to answer the question, “Is it a ‘Hell, yes!’?” We may need to get some facts or study the research on a given decision before answering the question. We may need more time to think about what we want and who we want to be before feeling ready to answer the question with certainty. 

For instance, in June of 2015, I learned some deeply disappointing and in the end heart-breaking information about my then spouse. My knee jerk reaction was to consider divorce. However, I also quickly tried to find ways that we could restore the relationship and keep our family together. I’d been through the bitter aftermath of my parents’ divorce and didn’t want my sons to experience that. We tried counseling and reading marital self-help books. Unfortunately, it would take almost a year for me to determine that the relationship was beyond repair, and perhaps had been so for quite some time. In one conversation in spring of 2016, my then spouse noted that “You will never find someone who loves you as much as I do.”  I was struck to my core in that moment upon realizing that I would rather be single and alone for the rest of my life than to stay in a dysfunctional and profoundly unhappy relationship. It was an unexpected epiphany that shifted my thinking from “I just am not ready to divorce yet. I want to try X, Y, and Z. Maybe that will make things better.” to “Hell, yes! I need to get out of this relationship, no matter how difficult it is, how long it takes, or how much it costs me.” The answer was a lot of all three but in the end it was completely worth the time, attention, effort and money. 

It is relatively easy to ballpark the costs for major life decisions.  What is much harder for these and other decisions or changes in life is estimating how much energy, attention and even emotion they will consume over the course of enacting the change or if we DON’T enact the change.

Question 2

Once you’ve answered the “Is it a ‘Hell, yes!’?” question, then execution comes next and is key to your success. What we often don’t recognize or that we fail to appreciate is that we make numerous small decisions every day that either support the fulfillment of our goals and the crafting of the life that we want, or we make small decisions daily that stand in the way of those goals and of us building the badass life we aim for. 

How can we do a better job making the countless daily decisions that lie before us so that they support our goals rather than thwart them? One answer lies in a book written by Greg McKeown, titled “Essentialism - The Disciplined Pursuit of Less.” The question is “Is it essential?” Is where and on what we’re about to spend our morning -- and thus, our time, energy and attention -- essential to the fulfillment of the goal or decision we identified when we said, “Hell, yes!”? We must determine what is essential and then give that our time, energy and attention first. 

The When

To ease this process of determining what is essential, we must consider what is essential more broadly and apply that essentialism to our plan for each day. In other words, how can we develop an overall plan for what gets our time, energy and attention on a daily basis, so that we aren’t having to restart the decision making process every day? What can we “pre-decide” so that we are not worn out or depleted mentally and emotionally from making too many decisions each day?

One factor is whether we are more of a lark or a night owl. I’m more of a lark and thus am more energetic and motivated early in the day. This has led me to frontload my day with the important and hard stuff. I tackle those tasks that require lots of brain power, creativity, focus, and energy in the mornings and early afternoons, and then reserve late afternoons for projects that can be completed with fewer of the above mental and emotional resources like proofreading a paper, responding to emails, or reading the latest research on a topic of interest.  

The What

Another pre-decision relates to the “what.” Despite our wishes and best intentions, none of us can do it all. Our time, energy, and attention are finite resources. We must be rigorous, relentless even, in choosing what we give those resources to. For instance, how often do we give our time, energy and attention to an issue that 1) we have little control or influence over, or 2) that is mostly unrelated to our goals?  If we lack an awareness of what is essential to us meeting or exceeding our goals, we will give away our time, energy and attention to endeavors that don’t enhance our lives or the lives of those around us. Particularly in American culture, the norm appears to be spreading ourselves -- and often our children -- too thin. We say “Yes” too often and “No” too infrequently. We fail to identify and be intentional about what is essential. 

It is easy to get distracted by what is not essential because quite often what is not essential is easy or less difficult than what is essential. Answering low value emails instead of drafting a kickass cover letter for a job application when we’ve decided that we want or need to change jobs or organizations. Doing mindless shopping or browsing online instead of digging into some intense and perhaps tedious analysis for a report that is due at the end of the day when we’re aiming for a promotion. Reaching for the Oreos as a snack instead of carrot sticks (guilty!) when we’ve committed to eating healthier or consuming fewer calories. Knowing in advance what is essential makes the decisions and actions that support our goals clearer and thus easier to carry out.

Bottom line: In our big and even moderately significant decisions, we must ask “Is it a ‘Hell, yes!’?” If it is a “Hell, yes!” then we must focus only on what is essential to our fulfillment of that goal and prioritize our time, attention and energy toward those essential factors. If it is not a “Hell, yes!” then it is a “No.” We need to use our “No” and move on to use our mental, emotional, financial, time, and attentional resources for the handful of “Hell, yes” answers that excite us. 

I see you,

Merideth