More, Not Less
As you may have gleaned from a number of Don’t Underestimate Her posts, I contemplate, research and write a good bit about relationships and how we can have happier and healthier ones, especially according to empirical research. Having spent an embarrassingly long and guilt-ridden time in a codependent relationship and now having been in a profoundly uplifting one, I’ve experienced the night and day difference between the two. More importantly, as a 50-something, my soul wants everyone within my (digital) reach to have a romantic relationship that helps them shine brighter, dare more mightily, and have a greater positive impact on their world.
New research, curious conversations with close friends, others’ Substack posts (e.g., Women Empowered), and hopefully empathetic one-on-ones with those who are struggling in their relationships regularly have my brain churning on what might be helpful to the badass women out there and our male allies.
Navigating the preferences, needs and nuances of each person in a romantic relationship is not for wussies easy. Some need more intimacy than others. Some want to go out and paint the town while their partner may wish to spend a chill evening at home. Then there’s the potential trickiness of how much time to spend together versus apart or doing one’s one thing.
This is where my firstborn, John, shared an idea and way of thinking last week that stopped me in my tracks. I’d just commented how notable it is that he and his badass girlfriend are really open about when they need alone time and that those wishes are accommodated, even supported, without alarm, insecurity or drama. His perspective when he needs space, “It’s not that I need less of you (his girlfriend), but that I need more of me.” DAMN. I wish I’d had that kind of insight and wisdom when I was in my mid-20s (or mid-30s!).
Whether we’re more extroverted or introverted, we all need alone time. Time and space for solitude and slow thinking. Opportunity to just do our own thing and take care of ourselves. The space to not feel like we should be checking in on or taking care of someone else, which women are often raised and socialized to do - we’re programmed to put those needs and preferences above our own. Time and latitude to just be unapologetically ourselves (yep, flip on that true crime show for a lengthy binge, eat fresh chocolate pudding out of the saucepan and sip a big-enough glass of Zinfandel) without fearing judgement or that you’re slacking in some way.
We cannot take care of others until we take care of ourselves FIRST. Full stop. When our cup is empty or our plate is full, we have no resources to share or give. We must take the opportunity — or create one! — to recover and replenish our resources. I find I need solitude and a large helping of silence to replenish my mental and emotional resources. Getting out in nature can also jump start that process.
How do you ask for alone time in your relationships? What do you do with that time to recharge so that you can be all that you need to be to yourself, and subsequently to the people who mean the most to you? Would you share those practices and tactics in the comments because you are certain they may be helpful to others?
I see you,
Merideth