Non-Monetary Investments
When we think about investments we often think about financial decisions and issues. Saving for retirement or kids’ college expenses. Should we put money in this mutual fund or that long-term savings account? How much should we be investing and how much do we want to have available for use at a given time in the future?
What we may overlook is that our relationships involve investments as well. Sometimes monetary, but more often it means investments of our time, energy and attention. And with those investments, which are finite resources, comes the decision NOT to invest elsewhere.
I recently learned about what psychological research calls the investment model of relationships. It generally focuses on romantic relationships but can also be used as a lens for any kind of relationship - family, friends, employers, customers or clients.
As our dependence on a relationship increases, so does our commitment to that relationship. Commitment can be psychological (i.e., emotional), cognitive (i.e., thinking about the relationship as long-term), and attitudinal (i.e., our intent to remain in the relationship). Relationship commitment is driven by three factors: relationship satisfaction, the quality of our alternatives, and the size of our investments in the relationship.
Relationship satisfaction is the level of positivity we feel in the relationship - what we like or enjoy about the relationship. In a romantic relationship this may include a partner’s physical attractiveness, sexual gratification, or a partner’s support, whereas costs to relationship satisfaction may be conflict, annoying partner habits, or relationship-related financial issues.
The quality of alternatives is how positively we see our other options outside of that relationship, such as other dating opportunities or partners. If we see other options as more rewarding, we lower our commitment. However, if we view other options as less valuable, we increase our commitment to the relationship.
Investment size can be extrinsic (e.g., children, mutual friends, material possessions) or intrinsic (e.g., time, emotional involvement, self-disclosure). The more significant our investment in a relationship, the less likely we are to terminate it. Thus, to leave or end a relationship means we must be willing to sacrifice the resources we have invested.
Large investments very early in a relationship can lead us to feel overly committed to an unhealthy relationship. Poor quality alternatives may lead us to feel stuck or trapped in an unhappy relationship. In other words, high investment + low quality alternatives + low satisfaction = higher commitment to a relationship that does NOT serve us.
Here’s the kicker, this can be applied to romantic relationships. Friendships. Family relationships. And employment relationships. Yikes!
I believe that the most critical of these is our romantic relationship. Why? Because we can quietly back away from a friendship, we can invest less in an unhealthy family relationship (just because they are a blood relative doesn’t mean we have to be besties!), and we can look for a different job. Leaving or changing a romantic relationship is much harder, especially the more we are intertwined with the other person (e.g., mutual friends, financial entanglement, codependency).
Here’s what I hope you will take away from this post: if you are on the dating market or in a new dating relationship, be mindful and intentional about how much you invest in the relationship and that person early on. Too big of an investment can lead you to feel more committed (emotionally, cognitively and intentionally) than is strategic and healthy for you.
We don’t know if we can trust someone until we’ve known them for three months. Pace yourself. Pace the relationship. Slow down your responses to their messages or texts. Manage how available you are to that person. Remember that you don’t owe them anything in the early stages. You are there to learn about them and them about you. Don’t disclose super personal information in the first few dates. Consider treating those early dates as a job/partner interview…BECAUSE THEY ARE. You wouldn’t spill your guts or talk badly about your prior boss in a job interview. Don’t do so in the first few dates with someone new. Be intentional about what, how and when you disclose information, thoughts, feelings.
Healthy and happy romantic relationships are like jet fuel. Pilots don’t start out in a jet fighter or commercial airliner. They start out reading the manual and in a simulator. Then they work their way up to the real thing where they have a mind-boggling amount of time, mental energy, attention, and emotion invested. Be that fighter pilot or commercial airline pilot. Be strong. Be brave. Be mindful of your investments in time, energy, attention and emotion in that new relationship.
I see you,
Merideth