As humans, we have a progression bias. In other words, we lean toward being more optimistic about the future of a relationship than the reality of that relationship may warrant. We find it easier to stay in a relationship that isn’t serving us rather than to end that relationship. We lean toward continuing down the road ahead rather than stopping to contemplate whether it’s the best road for us.
This often means we get super invested, super quickly in a new romantic relationship and then when we determine that the relationship is not meeting our standards, it’s incredibly difficult to leave it. So we stay. And we stay. And we stay. Especially if we’d rather be in a poor relationship than in no relationship at all.
Further, a 2019 study found when we realize that a new love interest is falling short of our ideals, we tend to modify our preferences downward so that we can justify or rationalize staying in the relationship. In other words, we are apt to adjust our relationship standards to fit the romantic relationship we are currently in. Similarly, evidence from a 2018 research project suggests that when we discover one of our goals conflicts with that of a partner’s goals, we tend to devalue our own goal over time (e.g., I devalue my goal of moving to Ireland because my love interest has a goal of living in Mexico).
Here’s food for thought: the more we invest in a relationship, the more committed to it we become, even in the first few weeks or months. How do we avoid investing too much (emotionally, physically, mentally) too quickly in a new relationship? I’m so glad you asked.
First, we must, must, must proceed slowly (even cautiously) in a new relationship. Research suggests that we can’t know if we can trust someone until we have known them for THREE months. This suggests limiting the time, attention and energy we give to the budding relationship. Experts recommend only seeing someone about once a week for the first few months.
Second, we must approach the relationship as a deliberative learning process. What do we want to know about the person sitting across the cafe table from us? About their family, history, goals, and pet peeves (we all have them!).
Third, with each interaction circle back to your List. That list that shows on paper or your phone or laptop what you need in a relationship and what you will not tolerate come hell or high water. How does the relationship you are starting to build compare to your List? DON’T lower your standards (okay, if you said the person has to have green eyes with yellow flecks in them and the amazing person you’re seeing has brown eyes, then there’s probably leeway there).
Fourth, pay attention to how this person treats you! Okay, louder for those in the back: PAY ATTENTION TO HOW THIS PERSON TREATS YOU. Do they treat you as an equal? Are you involved in date planning…and paying? Do they treat you with the respect you deserve (yes, you do deserve that and if you’re not getting it - THROW THEM BACK into the pond). Do they express and demonstrate an interest and care for your needs and wishes? Remember, dating is kind of like finding a job. If someone treats you badly during the “interview” or recruitment process, imagine how much worse they will treat you once you’re in a long-term relationship. Maya Angelou’s quote is fitting here: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Don’t yield to the progression bias. It may be human nature but it doesn’t serve you. Be willing to hold to your standards. You won’t be sorry. Go in slowly, carefully, and with a plan to develop that new relationship. NO going with the flow, which may sound romantic but could likely end up in a gigantic dumpster fire and you with an aching, broken heart. You deserve all the love, respect, support and care that your beautiful body and brain can handle.
I see you,
Merideth