Growing up in Texas in the 70s meant burning the skin off of your legs if you were foolish or distracted enough to go down those old metal slides during the summer months when temperatures were in the triple digits (we see you, June, July, August and September.). Sliding could be downright hazardous to your well-being, making your legs burn for a hot minute or for several days if the day was hot enough, the slide long enough, and your shorts short enough.
There’s another type of slide that can be dangerous to our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. The relationship slide. This occurs when we sliiiiiiide into a romantic relationship rather than DECIIIIIIDE to be in a relationship or determine that a relationship is right for us.
I came across research recently that explores the benefits and pitfalls of sliding versus deciding in our romantic relationships. Specifically, sliding rather than deciding when it comes to relationship transitions or milestones (think beginning a sexual relationship, moving in together, sharing expenses and/or income, or having children) sets us up for problems later on, especially ones related to commitment. Those significant transitions make is much harder to end a relationship should we decide that is what is right for us.
Interestingly (to me anyway - how about you?), there are two types of “deciding” - physical and emotional. An example of physical deciding is when we make a specific or intentional decision to have sex. We don’t decide in the (heat) of the moment, but well in advance and with a focus on the pros/cons or costs/benefits of doing so. We don’t slide into a sexual relationship - we choose to engage in that relationship.
The other form of deciding is emotional and an example is when we thoughtfully consider what we are looking for in a romantic partner and what we want that relationship to look and sound like.
The key to both types of deciding is intentionality or thought. We don’t just go with the flow or wait to see what happens. We decide BEFORE what we want, don’t want, and what are the dealbreakers. Sliding into a relationship includes none of qualities or intentions. Sliding means we’re not clear with ourselves about our wants and needs. If that’s the case, there’s zero chance we can be clear with others and set appropriate and helpful boundaries when they push for something that doesn’t serve us or the relationship.
Here’s what the study found:
Emotional deciding led to more dedication and better relationship adjustment (after controlling for age, gender, income, religiosity, relationship status and attachment styles - in other words, emotional deciding had an effect above and beyond all of those control variables).
Emotional deciding also led to a partner reporting higher levels of dedication and relationship adjustment.
Physical deciding increased dedication and decreased “extradyadic involvement” (e.g., infidelity) and emotional deciding had no effect here.
The takeaway: when we are more intentional and thoughtful about 1) choosing a partner and 2) pacing the relationship’s development, we experience more dedication and better relationship quality. This may be because those who are thoughtful may ask important questions or have critical discussions earlier on, such as about compatibility, shared interests and values, philosophy on money, and family background. They may also be more likely to have explicit conversations with a potential partner before taking the next step in the relationship.
This brings Jung’s quote to mind, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” To have a more rewarding, uplifting, empowering, and supportive relationship possible, we must make the unconscious conscious. We must get clear with ourselves (preferably in writing!) about what want, what we don’t care about and what we absolutely will not tolerate. This is the foundation to start with before dating someone new. Without this clarity, we simply go with the flow and are more likely to slide into a relationship that doesn’t serve, and may even be harmful to you.
How will you make your unconscious conscious this week?
I see you,
Merideth