“Where emotion goes, energy flows.” is a quote I came across recently and that’s lodged itself in my brain. In other words, it means that where we focus our emotions is where we put our energy, whether we like it or not. However, we DO have a choice in our emotions and thus in the people, activities and issues that are worthy of our limited time, energy and attention.
What choice do we have in our emotions? We have several but there are two tactics that you can use TODAY to engage in more effective emotion regulation and thus in better using your energies.
First, do no go around with an “unmanaged” mind. Last week we emphasized how we talk to ourselves and how that shapes who we become and our identity. It is just as important that we be intentional about what we think on and allow to occupy our minds and thus our mental and emotional energy. This is because:
Our thoughts → our emotions → our behaviors, attitudes and energies
In other words, it’s difficult to have emotions without first having the thoughts that trigger the emotions that then drive our behaviors, attitudes and where we put our energy. So the question here is, “Am I going around right now with an unmanaged mind?” We control our thoughts. Is it easy to manage them? Sometimes it seems impossible, but it is not. I promise. It can take a ton of work, practice and discipline to hone a managed mind so that it serves us instead of controlling or undermining us.
The second tactic relates to the first. If you find yourself walking around with an unmanaged mind, especially on a particular problem, issue or hurt, ask yourself, “What am I making this mean?” Identify as specifically as you can what you are making a particular situation or issue mean. SAY IT OUT LOUD.
Then ask yourself, “Is that factually true?” It might be and then you can set about making a plan to address the issue or perhaps decide that even if it is true, it doesn’t actually matter that much. When we say it out loud, we may realize it’s actually not as impactful as our brains and emotions were suggesting it was.
However, you may find yourself answering, “Well, no, it’s not 100% factually true.” Then you get to decide several things.
Do you want to let what you are telling yourself, that’s not factually true, take up space rent-free in your brain?
Is hanging on to those thoughts and emotions serving your interests of happiness, health, and wealth?
Is there potential for you to reframe the issue so that it doesn’t drain you of your mental and emotional energy (energy you could be using to enhance your own happiness, health and wealth, or that of others!).
We tell ourselves SUCH powerful stories. We have a choice in which stories we believe and which ones we cast aside. We’ve talked about emotional triggers in this Substack before. If you know you experience emotional triggers on the regular (i.e., emotions that are created from a current situation but that are actually rooted in your past experiences of trauma, sadness, fear, and pain like a neglectful or overly harsh parent, being bullied as a middle schooler, or psychologically/emotionally abused by a former partner).
This question of “What am I making this mean?” is POWERFUL in quickly and effectively addressing those emotional triggers when they rear their heinously ugly heads. We know ignoring or trying to suppress those feelings DOES NOT WORK. So, instead we should take them head on. Ask yourself what you are making the situation or someone’s behavior mean. And is that factually true.
I’ve used both of these tactics a ton over the years and it has saved me and those close to me a lot of grief and strain, and been useful in helping those close to me understand my emotional triggers and work through them with some empathy. It’s also helped me move the past more fully into the distant past. In fact, when I look back on the betrayal and agony I experienced 8, 12, and 22 years ago, it feels like it was someone else’s life. I kid you not. I was stunned when I realized that over the last year.
We all have hurt, pain and trauma to tangle with. We don’t have to let it rule us, our relationships, our happiness or our health (both physical and mental). We can manage our mind/thoughts and thus our emotions and behaviors so that we thrive instead of just survive. You deserve to have those things and they are within you and within your power. Own your power. Be your own hero by managing your mind and thus your emotions in ways that serve you and the life you are building for yourself.
I see you,
Merideth