Enmeshed No More
Enmeshment is a concept I was unaware of until a few years ago and it characterizes a relationship between individuals where personal boundaries are blurred. In an enmeshed relationship, an individual becomes overly involved in their partner’s life, thoughts, and feelings, to the point where it can be difficult to distinguish their own identity and needs from those of the partner.
Enmeshed relationships have…
Weak or fuzzy boundaries: a lack of differentiation between partners, with their thoughts, feelings, and needs becoming so interwoven that perhaps they are indistinguishable
Over-involvement: partners are excessively involved in each other's lives, often sharing intimate details and making decisions for one another
Codependence: partners engage in a strong emotional (over)reliance on the relationship, to the point of feeling responsible for each other's happiness and well-being (we are NOT responsible for our partner’s happiness or behavior)
Difficulty with autonomy: partners struggle to develop a sense of independence and self-efficacy, often feeling guilty or anxious when trying to assert their own needs (people pleasers, this is especially speaking to you)
Emotional fusion: partners’ emotions significantly overlap such that they experience overwhelmingly similar feelings and responses to situations
The bottom line: an enmeshed relationship is one where you, as individual with your own thoughts, feelings and ideas, cease to exist. There is no more I, there is only WE.
My first marriage started out from the get-go and with my religion’s blessing as an fully enmeshed relationship. This was demonstrated by the verbiage on the wedding invitations, “And the two shall become one.” Ick. But at the time, I fully embraced that thinking, in large part because it was endorsed if not dictated by my religion and social circles. This would not serve me well, but it would take me years to fully realize that fact.
Fast forward 30 years. I’m finally figuring how what a healthy relationship looks like and sounds like and how to protect that health and happiness. To not let myself go down the slippery path of enmeshment.
Interdependence & Independence
Interdependence is the state of mutual dependence or reliance between partners and means that each partner relies on the other for support, resources, or cooperation to achieve their goals or maintain their well-being. Interdependence complements independence, which is our own sense of self-reliance and ability to function autonomously. Interdependence acknowledges that we often need others to thrive and achieve our full potential. Independence acknowledges and embraces our needs and preferences as an individual human.
Both interdependence and independence are absolutely essential for a healthy relationship in which we have the foundation and structure in which to grow and thrive.
With interdependence, we plan together. We support our shared goals. At times we choose (are NOT FORCED) to give up some less important individual goals in order to fulfill shared interests.
Independence can be harder or at least trickier or more ambiguous to maintain in a long-term relationship. Here are some tactics that have worked for me in my relationship and that may be worthy of experimenting with in your relationship if you’re recognizing a need for a better balance between interdependence and independence:
Have a (perhaps difficult) conversation about we versus I. What decisions are “we” decisions in contrast with “I” or individual decisions? What of your time and energy goes toward “we” activities compared to "I” activities?
If you have resources to do so, plan a trip or weekend to travel solo. When women travel solo it is so effing empowering! We learn what we’re made of, we become more self-aware (because safety), and we have the solitude, silence and headspace to think big thoughts, plot world domination, and connect with our True Selves. It may sound intimidating, but I’ll bet you big money that you won’t regret a solo trip you take with and for yourself. Take the time to breathe deeply, push aside thoughts of what you must/should/could do for others, and remember that you alone are ENOUGH. Read that again - you alone are enough - you don’t need anyone or anyone’s affirmation to be a full and successful human. Full stop.
Set aside specific and regular nights/weekends that are for independent activity. For the past few years, there are two nights a week (right now it’s Mondays and Thursdays) that are our “Independence Evenings.” Some may say that practice is overly rigid. It works in my relationship because there’s zero coordination or negotiation for what we’re each doing those evenings. Those days/times on our on our shared calendar so there’s no confusion. We do whatever the heck we wish to do. I’ll often arrange a meet up with girlfriends. Or I’ll run errands or plan travel. Or I’ll drink wine, have a girl dinner and watch true crime TV all on my own and maybe in my jammies. What does my partner do with his Independence Evenings? I have NO IDEA. That’s part of the point. There’s no one to answer to, plan around or (in my case) wonder or worry about if I should be checking in or taking care of him or our relationship. Similar the More, Not Less post, it’s not that I need less of him, but just that I need more of me. Having that independence makes me a better partner in the coming days.
Take a few minutes over this week to contemplate the areas of your life where you are interdependent and where you are independent. WRITE IT DOWN. What about that list surprises you? Concerns you? Gratifies you? You only have this one precious, big and wild life. Are you living it with the interdependence and independence that help you live a full life that’s happy, healthy and thriving? If not, what’s one thing you can do before June 1 to shift that balance between interdependence and independence? If you already have independence habits in your relationship, please share them in the comments.
I see you!
Merideth